Nobody Knows (But Me)

I Guess it's time I admit it to myself because further denying it is not helping me in any way. It's been almost 3 months and I'm still hurting. I can't for the life of me begin to explain where it starts hurting or where it ends. Nor can I even tell those who mean the world to me why I'm hurting. There are so many things that you've ruined for me but everything is my fault right? I knew the consequences of being with you and I stayed. There are so many things I wish I could tell you but at the same time those same things should never be said. I miss you more than anything.... I don't know what it is about you that I miss but it's driving me crazy. How can someone who hurt me so much still mean so much to me... it baffles my fucking mind. For starters I guess I'll list the things you ruined for me -my ability to trust -my ability to be myself in my everyday life -my ability to open up and allow someone into my heart completely -my ability to do anything at all without feeling this ache in my heart and pain in my stomach. Why on earth did I allow myself to get this deep. Where did it begin and how can I end it. I am tired of feeling like this all the time it's honestly time I do something for myself. There are too many things that should and or could be said to you. There is not much to be said so I guess I'll just leave it here with a final thought.

I pretend that I'm glad you went away But these four walls close in more every day And I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me Like a clown I put on a show The pain is real even if nobody knows And I'm crying inside and nobody knows it but me

Do you remember when we were this happy? Because I can't seem to forget

I'm tired of dreaming. I'm through with trying. Tired of living, yet scared of dying. Maybe things are good for you, but look at all that I've been through. Look at all the pain I've won. I bet you think that it's been fun. You never thought I'd turn away. You never believed you'd see this day. Look again cuz here I go leaving behind all I know. Changing it all as I must do. Not daring to stop and think things through. Wanting to run as fast as I can, not stopping until I understand. Like why did I let things get this way? Why didn't I leave yesterday? How are things going to be, since there is no more you and me.

Im finished. I'll never stop loving you but I need to move on for me.

Meet My Friend Mary?

So Spent my entire afternoon just hitting bowls being an idiot and honestly it felt great... Above is maaa friend Brooke but shes a unicorn. We thought it would be fun to have 2 bills light at the same time..... it was indeed a very good idea but now im home and horny -_-... Repeat of this everyday I THINK SOOO!!!

How can you claim you are here for me yet I feel I can't even turn to you.

What does one say when all is said and done.

I am not sure where everything went downhill or when it went downhill all I know is once again I am left to pick up the pieces of myself. Every single time I trust someone this is where I end up... Ashkan, Spencer, Derick and now you too. This was never meant to be a thing and I have absolutely no idea how you made such an impression on my life. You were supposed to be a rebound something to have as arm candy and be nothing else so when did that change? Why was everything so different with you...For months I had you wrapped around my finger and then things started crashing because once again I couldn't trust. It took me several weeks and and several attempts later with a few failed attempts in which we ended up cuddling I bit the bullet. How could you let me trust you if you knew this was going to happen? I let you be apart of something that is special to me and you've gone and ruined every bit of trust I had for people. Somehow I became the bad guy in this situation and you ended up on top. 3 weeks later and still nothing feels better, my days are still dark and I still have a pit in my stomach. Why can't you feel any of this pain I feel? I just wish once in your life you would be held accountable for your actions. Why can't I stop these tears from falling, I can't seem to handle myself and I need to. Prom night is coming up and what am I doing... you are going out and spending the night in his hotel room and where am i..... i am going home to cry myself asleep again....I guess it is safe to say I deserve this, after all the lives I've ruined and the hearts I've broken it's my turn right? Why couldn't you just leave before things got like this before you convinced me I could trust you... before you promised me you were different than everyone else. Well look at this.. you lied, you took advantage of my weak points, you did everything right for all the wrong reasons and turned out to be just like everyone else.... Now I'm stuck here once again picking up the pieces of myself wishing I won't wake up every morning.... Id like to ask you.... Are you happy now? Our first anniversary... why did i even believe your lies Anyways that's it. My hormones cant handle this right now.....

Laurens Poem

So this is just a poem what i wrote for a close friend of mine.She asked that I write something for her about her life and how she deals with things... i of course said yes. shes pretty much my sister and i love her to death .. Lauren Lyn my lovely Jammy this is for you

I walk Down the street
My bare feet in the gutter
letting the rain caress me
and the breeze,
it makes me shudder

The sky is full of stars
brilliantly bright after the storm
painting pictures in my head
within poetry i am reborn

i hum the tunes and rythms
my life here on this page
distant , tired and confused
Ive left ME on the stage

I fil my head with silence
and focus on the sky
for months now ive been curious
asking when how and why

those close to me have faded
just mere whispers of importance
as my fingers dance the tango
on the keyboard of ignorance

beauty will behold the glory
as my feet drip dry the rain
the tingling will envelope me
ill forget all of my pain

this creates a poem of tears
that are born from the coulds
it writes stories and songs
that reveal the truth beneath this shroud

tonight i break
free of all thought
to get back to myself
discover whats been lost
life can be hard
and days can be long
nothing that cant be fixed
with the perfect dance
to the perfect song...



Feel better hun
xoxox shay

Losers!!!

So its been literally a million years since ive wrote about something.... not like posting a song!! xD Thought i would talk about something i rant about on a daily basis...



LOSERS!!
In my life there are SOO MANY.. including myself of course... but today im ony going to rant on about 4.... to start it off...

Ryan Buckspan..
If the name doesnt get you.... the facts leading up to the loser deff will have you believing... For each person i willl give 5-10 reasons as to WHY THEY ARE LOSERS! :D

1) He Fell off the cliff in grade 9 (ruining the geo trip forever)
2) He knows EVERYTHING
3) He has absolutely NO friends
4) Hes a teachers pet
5) He feels the need to tell you everything he knows
6) He wears those loser glasses xD
7) He is THE MOST annoying thing ever born.!

k so honestly he just fits that typical nerdy losr picture... im just done with him.

secodly...

Helen Ho :)
although she is my hoe.... she is a HUGE loser

1) she dressed as pikachu....
2) she NEVER stops studying for chem.. ( shes still failing)
3) Shes shorter than me... and still believes she can play anything other than Point in Bball xD
4)she expects me to go to azn karaoke?
5) she can be bribed with sexual acts;)
6) SHE NEVER PICKS UP HER PHONE
7) She texts at the most random times AKA when im sleeping
8) She is the world biggest fob...
9) her name is helen ho.... hahaha ho
and finally 10) shes dating a dead man xD John Lennon


AND MY LOSER
Spence is the worlds biggest loser !!!!
she is.... man... i cant even :P

1) shes always doing homework ALWAYS
2) she goes to book clubs? xD
3) She thinks that my -_- face is the funniest thing.
4) She is unde the belief that I am Leprichaun ( I AM NOT)
5) She often argues really stupid things.. ( stupid cuz i always win :D)
6) She is easily distracted (or maybe its just me)
7) Shes a total renthead ( but that makes me a loser too)
8) She doesnt like Peanut butter (who the hell doesnt)
9) SHE THINKS PICKLES ARE DISGUSTING!!!!
AND FINALLY
10) She loves me..... thats gotta make you a HUGE loser


So weve gone over typical nerd, short azn and just in love loser... who tops them all?
THAT WOULD BE ME!!

I am the biggest loser and I dont even try :S
Not only am i going to name 10 things... im going to name 20 reasons because I am DOUBLE the loser than these others losers
1) I constantly fall up stairs
2) I never sleep when i should
3) I tend to slack ALOT
4) I fall WAY TOO HARD
5) Im used to being heart broken ( uber loserish)
6) I LOVE TO READ (BAHAHAAHAHAH)
7) I spend more time in a dance/ dancing than i do in m y own home or sleeping
8) I can lick both my chin and my nose
9) Im addicted to texting
10) I love to watch sad movies that make me cry
11) I constantly make weird faces
12) I eat too much candy and get sick... very often
13) I like scaring children. but cry at the sight of a clown
14) I pass out at random times in random places
15) I turn to ice cream when im depressed( seriously)
16) I never do school work.
17) I am the laziest person you will EVER meet
18) I constantly call others LOSERS
19) I Can sing..EVERY SINGLE Hannah Montana, Highschool Musical AND Spice Girls song.. Of heart.

20) I Hate to Love A TOTAL LOSER MENTIONED IN THIS NOTE!! We are constantly argueing over who is a loser.... Clearly we both are because we both made this list and hopefully she realizes that!!! We will nver settle this however i do believe that she is a bigger loser because I CAN ADMIT that i am a loser where as she cannot :P

Dont know when my next blog shall be but. hopefully it will be better :D


xoxo shay.

NATIONALS!!!

So i realize it has been WAY TOO LONG since ive actually blogged about something not pointless.... well im going to continue that streak of pointless blogs.

Today is Dance Nationals.( i did write a little thing about dance though)

WHAT IS DANCE?
Dance is the world you create,
it is inspiring those around you,
and being inspired by them.
It is different to everybody
and that is the beauty of it.
It is the language in which we express our emotions
and can only be shown through the movements of our soul.
It is something you can always turn to,
to channel into a different direction and feel good.
Its about putting on a song and getting goosebumps,
you feel your heart beat and your body start to shake
you step onto that stage, close your eyes
and so it begins..... thats dance
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So nationals.... i leave this sunday and im gone for 5 days!!!!! FIVE FREAKING DAYS!! no texting, no internet, no late nights , NO JUNK FOOD! I dont think im going to survive. :( im going to miss friends way too much..... im going to go insane rooming with DADDYS LITTLE GIRLS...!!!! gosh give me a damn shot gun so i can help the world and get rid of them.

So routines and songs for them

Senior Jazz Number
Cell Block Tango- Chicago

Senior Contemporary Number
Sentimental- Mike Simpson

Open Class Number
The Force( dunno the artist)

Open Class Number
Grease- Compilation of songs from Grease

Open Class Number
BXS- Compilation of Brittney spears songs

Senior Solo
A Drop In The Ocean- Ron Pope.

Each im hoping are going to ge really well. But i have to thank Derick Robinson for the idea of A Drop In The Ocean. Its an absolutely beautiful song.. so I dont wanna go to nationals even after all my hard work. But I guess you just have to put up with it and just deal...



xoxo Shay <3<3<3