Nobody Knows (But Me)

I Guess it's time I admit it to myself because further denying it is not helping me in any way. It's been almost 3 months and I'm still hurting. I can't for the life of me begin to explain where it starts hurting or where it ends. Nor can I even tell those who mean the world to me why I'm hurting. There are so many things that you've ruined for me but everything is my fault right? I knew the consequences of being with you and I stayed. There are so many things I wish I could tell you but at the same time those same things should never be said. I miss you more than anything.... I don't know what it is about you that I miss but it's driving me crazy. How can someone who hurt me so much still mean so much to me... it baffles my fucking mind. For starters I guess I'll list the things you ruined for me -my ability to trust -my ability to be myself in my everyday life -my ability to open up and allow someone into my heart completely -my ability to do anything at all without feeling this ache in my heart and pain in my stomach. Why on earth did I allow myself to get this deep. Where did it begin and how can I end it. I am tired of feeling like this all the time it's honestly time I do something for myself. There are too many things that should and or could be said to you. There is not much to be said so I guess I'll just leave it here with a final thought.

I pretend that I'm glad you went away But these four walls close in more every day And I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me Like a clown I put on a show The pain is real even if nobody knows And I'm crying inside and nobody knows it but me

Do you remember when we were this happy? Because I can't seem to forget

I'm tired of dreaming. I'm through with trying. Tired of living, yet scared of dying. Maybe things are good for you, but look at all that I've been through. Look at all the pain I've won. I bet you think that it's been fun. You never thought I'd turn away. You never believed you'd see this day. Look again cuz here I go leaving behind all I know. Changing it all as I must do. Not daring to stop and think things through. Wanting to run as fast as I can, not stopping until I understand. Like why did I let things get this way? Why didn't I leave yesterday? How are things going to be, since there is no more you and me.

Im finished. I'll never stop loving you but I need to move on for me.

Meet My Friend Mary?

So Spent my entire afternoon just hitting bowls being an idiot and honestly it felt great... Above is maaa friend Brooke but shes a unicorn. We thought it would be fun to have 2 bills light at the same time..... it was indeed a very good idea but now im home and horny -_-... Repeat of this everyday I THINK SOOO!!!

How can you claim you are here for me yet I feel I can't even turn to you.

What does one say when all is said and done.

I am not sure where everything went downhill or when it went downhill all I know is once again I am left to pick up the pieces of myself. Every single time I trust someone this is where I end up... Ashkan, Spencer, Derick and now you too. This was never meant to be a thing and I have absolutely no idea how you made such an impression on my life. You were supposed to be a rebound something to have as arm candy and be nothing else so when did that change? Why was everything so different with you...For months I had you wrapped around my finger and then things started crashing because once again I couldn't trust. It took me several weeks and and several attempts later with a few failed attempts in which we ended up cuddling I bit the bullet. How could you let me trust you if you knew this was going to happen? I let you be apart of something that is special to me and you've gone and ruined every bit of trust I had for people. Somehow I became the bad guy in this situation and you ended up on top. 3 weeks later and still nothing feels better, my days are still dark and I still have a pit in my stomach. Why can't you feel any of this pain I feel? I just wish once in your life you would be held accountable for your actions. Why can't I stop these tears from falling, I can't seem to handle myself and I need to. Prom night is coming up and what am I doing... you are going out and spending the night in his hotel room and where am i..... i am going home to cry myself asleep again....I guess it is safe to say I deserve this, after all the lives I've ruined and the hearts I've broken it's my turn right? Why couldn't you just leave before things got like this before you convinced me I could trust you... before you promised me you were different than everyone else. Well look at this.. you lied, you took advantage of my weak points, you did everything right for all the wrong reasons and turned out to be just like everyone else.... Now I'm stuck here once again picking up the pieces of myself wishing I won't wake up every morning.... Id like to ask you.... Are you happy now? Our first anniversary... why did i even believe your lies Anyways that's it. My hormones cant handle this right now.....