Nobody Knows (But Me)

I Guess it's time I admit it to myself because further denying it is not helping me in any way. It's been almost 3 months and I'm still hurting. I can't for the life of me begin to explain where it starts hurting or where it ends. Nor can I even tell those who mean the world to me why I'm hurting. There are so many things that you've ruined for me but everything is my fault right? I knew the consequences of being with you and I stayed. There are so many things I wish I could tell you but at the same time those same things should never be said. I miss you more than anything.... I don't know what it is about you that I miss but it's driving me crazy. How can someone who hurt me so much still mean so much to me... it baffles my fucking mind. For starters I guess I'll list the things you ruined for me -my ability to trust -my ability to be myself in my everyday life -my ability to open up and allow someone into my heart completely -my ability to do anything at all without feeling this ache in my heart and pain in my stomach. Why on earth did I allow myself to get this deep. Where did it begin and how can I end it. I am tired of feeling like this all the time it's honestly time I do something for myself. There are too many things that should and or could be said to you. There is not much to be said so I guess I'll just leave it here with a final thought.

I pretend that I'm glad you went away But these four walls close in more every day And I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me Like a clown I put on a show The pain is real even if nobody knows And I'm crying inside and nobody knows it but me

Do you remember when we were this happy? Because I can't seem to forget

I'm tired of dreaming. I'm through with trying. Tired of living, yet scared of dying. Maybe things are good for you, but look at all that I've been through. Look at all the pain I've won. I bet you think that it's been fun. You never thought I'd turn away. You never believed you'd see this day. Look again cuz here I go leaving behind all I know. Changing it all as I must do. Not daring to stop and think things through. Wanting to run as fast as I can, not stopping until I understand. Like why did I let things get this way? Why didn't I leave yesterday? How are things going to be, since there is no more you and me.

Im finished. I'll never stop loving you but I need to move on for me.